go figure

ok... so of course, shortly after I make these grandiose plans to post and whatnot... I get sick. it was a pretty busy weekend... then tuesday I woke up with a bad sore throat. I slathered on the choraseptic but, alas, I still woke up wednesday feeling like ass personified. then thursday... I stayed home from work. I slept until 12:30ish and then watched food network all day. I hate sick days where you're actually sick. (sigh) so today... here I am at work. the joy. I feel, again, pretty craptastic... but I know I'm "well enough" to be here. however, I already know I have negative desire to do anything else when I get home. I thought I'd be able to finish up the taking down of christmakah... all that's left is to dismantle the hanukah bush (aka christmas tree) but I have no energy. I'm afraid if I take a nap... well, that just won't end well later when I try to sleep and fail miserably. (sigh) we'll see I guess.

I have been avoiding my sewing room lately. I use the term "room" lightly as it really is just our basement. I really just don't want to work down there is really what it comes down to. it's dark - the lighting is really poor. it's cold and damp - the water at the other end of the basement keeps it chilly (though there's no heat down there anyway) and the dehumidifier can only do so much. and it's musty - the damp, musty odor that has wafted down to my end of the basement really just sucks (that and the dog decided that he didn't want to "go" outside because it was too cold, so he opted to use random spots in the basement without our knowledge [none of my fabric though] so it has that "vet office" smell to it, too). I don't want to complain because yes, I'm thankful that I even have a potential space to work... but it's just disheartening to go down there. I know my machine is lonely... I've barely touched her since my retreat back in NOVEMBER. yeah, I said it... november. I stitched up some pillowcases for my friend's son, my mother-in-law, and my mom for the holidays (plus some others that I am almost done with)... but other than that... really nothing (oh, and my hanukah blocks for the kosher pickles block exchange, but really that's it). I know we're going to "fix it" soon... we are having waterproofing specialists come and give us estimates, but it's A LOT of money that we don't really have laying around (even though we could finance it). I know that would help. but until then... I don't know what to do to motivate myself to hang out in the Quilting Dungeon on any sort of regular basis.

thoughts? comments? suggestions? lotto numbers? rich great aunt in need of a beneficiary for her millions of dollars?

I think my only option is this: the great pillsbury bake-off contest. I think that is really the best solution. I mean, aren't baked goods really the answer to all of life's grueling times and tough questions? I don't see why not. and it's just a million dollars. I think I could get a waterproofed basement for at least that, yes? and maybe a new machine... and new janome would be nice. :)

so... anyone got a good recipe that I can tweak for this? I swear... I'll give you credit. and maybe a couple thousand your way for your troubles. :)

hello. my name is kt...

...and I am a sleepoholic.

ok. well... maybe I'm just projecting my larger issues onto my intense desire to sleep in. I guess I'm not really a sleepoholic, but if there was a name for it... I'd feel a little better about myself. it's a lot easier to say that I have am just built that way; I'm hard wired to crave the depths of dreamland. it's so much easier to say that than, "I'm lazy." or "I have no work ethic." or "I can't face another day." or my personal favorite... "I just don't give a shit."

my das, bless his soul, has tried to help me. it must be so hard for him to get through the random mental breakdowns that happen at 1am. the ones where I say that I'm no good... I've wasted the opportunities that were given to me... I could be so much more than I am. he's getting pretty good at it though. I mean, it's the same thing every time. because nothing ever changes. I hit the bottom (though I'm sure I could go lower)... I have a "revelation"... I cry... I say it's going to get better.

lather, rinse and repeat.

I'm far too tempted to give up. not from the grand expanse of life... goodness NO! I mean... that it's so much more comfortable to be... sad and miserable. putting on a happy face for the public, but "knowing" that deep down that I just can't do it for real. not for extended periods of time.

well. yes... I know I have a fantastic husband who supports me in everything that I do and loves me unconditionally and selflessly puts up with all my bullshit. and yeah, I know that even though my family's a little fucked up... they love me and miss me when I'm gone, which is almost always. I am aware that I have a roof over my head... OUR house that we bought and have made our home. my pets? I know they are the greatest ever. well, yeah, I have a job... it's not the greatest, but it occasionally challenges me mentally and I have gained the respect of my coworkers for my skill set. oh and my friends? they are many... and they love me... and as far as I know they'll always be there for me.

so what's your point? don't you realize that deep down I know I am lucky. I have a fabulous life. but it's not the life that I expected. I was supposed to be a scientist. I was supposed to be a medical examiner, even (until my dad talked me out of it because he said that profession had one of the highest suicide rates). I wasn't supposed to be on academic probation. I wasn't supposed to be kicked out of the honors program for low grades. I was supposed to go to graduate school. I am smart, damn it. I shouldn't be losing my edge at age twenty-seven (or earlier). so what the hell happened?

I make fun of das for not being able to accept change. but obviously it is I who cannot move past the past. so how do I do that? therapy? too expensive and I'm a bit jaded in the therapy department. drugs? I guess... but das is anti-drug and I'd like to respect his wishes. besides, I can barely remember to take my regularly scheduled meds as is... and my tum doesnt really like meds. aren't those my only two options? what else am I supposed to do. I need help. and I don't know where to go.

oh, and I think I know the name... it's called depressed. at least I think so. 'cause that's how I feel.

if you're sick and you know it, clap your hands!

CLAP CLAP!!

ugh. I feel like total crap today. which is only slightly better than the way I felt yesterday and saturday. it's not even congestion that's killing me now; I can breathe freely through my nose. the aching - OH the aching. my back is screaming at me and all friday night after the uconn football game, I couldn't get warm to save my life. I had about forty-seven blankets on me and I was still curled up into the fetal position trying to create a ball of warmth. AND I didn't get to bed until around 4am.

saturday, I had to get up to drop off my goods to the durham fair. das had gotten up before me and was printing out the pictures he wanted to use for his entries and mine (nothing like waiting until the ultimate last minute)... then I threw some clothes on and went to the drop off. being at the fairgrounds made me so excited for next weekend's fair. I do enjoy the durham fair; it's always a lot of fun. I'll be going with my friend and her son, so that should be enjoyable as well. I, obviously, am hoping that my quilt fares well (though I realize now that I totally forgot to clip a stray thread from the machine quilting), and my photo and my pickles. I hope that das's photos come out well, too. the last time he entered the fair photography, he ended up with honorable mention... which is OK, but he deserved way better than that, especially given the photos that he was up against. he's not a professional photographer, but he takes pride in his work (only because I force him to) and I think the results weren't exactly uplifting and confidence-boosting. but, I convinced him to enter again (or rather I just signed him up and told him to just pick something)... so I am totally hoping for the best. after I got home, we immediately left to go to das's aunt and uncle's house to scope out their couch. they wanted to know if we'd like to have it, and considering this one doesn't smell like cat pee... it's already a gazillion times better than our current couch. so they're going to bring it over tomorrow. yay! at this point, I was starting to get way super cranky from feeling awful and the lack of sleep. but I showered while das mowed the lawn and we made our way over to our friends' apartment for a wine tasting. it was a fantastic night full of laughs, great food, and awesome wines. but we didn't get back until late, and at that point I felt wretched.

sunday I woke up at 7:45a for my 9a soccer game. then I turned off the alarm and went back to sleep. I could barely even move... my joints and muscles just ached, and I had a really bad sinus headache. so I missed the game... and then when das tried to wake me up at 11:30a to tell me we needed to get ready for our friend's daughter's birthday party... I channeled regan macneil and told him I wasn't going. so I slept. more. then read. and slept. and got out of bed around 5p-ish. and only because I needed food. so nothing happened on sunday. at all.

today... well, I slept a lot of today, too. the aching joints thing is really getting to me. my back is just throbbing. I'm actually a little light-headed, too. but I eventually made it to work (even though my boss told me to go home b/c he needs me more tomorrow)... and now I think I'm going to go home again. it's just draining...

tonight, and hopefully I'm up to it, I need to finish my center for my kosher pickles round robin block. I have an idea of what I'm going to do... I just need to get it together and finish it. I'm supposed to have guild drop-in tonight, but I'm not feeling up to it. also, heroes is premiering tonight which is awesome... but I won't be watching. das has bowling so we probably will have to wait for a while before we'll have time to watch. I'm hoping to do a rundown of what shows we'll be watching this season... or what we want to watch. we'll see...

out of commission

I'm kind of in a funk right now. I haven't quilted in weeks. I'm putting off so many things and I'm just not myself. I want to focus my blog again on the quilting... not so much the rest of life, but it seems that's all that is happening.

so I hope to be back soon... definitely once this headache is gone.

[cough cough] ugh.

so... my afternoon yesterday (post-post, of course) consisted of a lot of food network (in HD, of course); giada, barefoot contessa, sandra lee, alton brown... [sigh] I wish I could be them! I also did the errands at CVS and got dinner at burger king (yum - the tots did make me feel better). the meds I got - store brand "tussin" liqui-gels - did *not* really do their thing. I was still hacking away... though not as frequently, I guess... but it was still frequent enough to be totally and ridiculously obnoxious. anyway... I felt well enough to give myself a spa mani/pedi. I had purchased during the last AVON go-round at work an inflatable foot tub (in the shape of a watermelon), watermelon fizzy foot tabs, watermelon foot scrub, and watermelon cooling foot lotion. it was absolutely fabulous. just what I needed! I then painted my toenails (first of the season) with a new color I'd gotten, too. THEN, I moved on and used my mary kay satin hands set with all the scrubs and painted my nails (which is always a good idea... at the time). they didn't turn out as good as the toes, but then again, they never do. :) it was a pretty fabulous evening of relaxation. then das got home from hooters and wasn't feeling so hot; the wings didn't agree with him. so he went to bed while I took my "night meds" (read: makes you super drowsy) with some graham crackers so it didn't upset my tum. I ended up watching some more tv and almost dozed on the couch before I went up to bed... and then neither of us could sleep. I kept coughing all night and das just felt like crap and couldn't sleep. I think I drifted off around 3am, probably from sheer exhaustion... don't know if das did or not. needless to say, I was wicked tired this morning!! and I was still coughing! UGH! so... I finally went to the walk-in clinic. the doctor checked me out, asked all the requisite questions, and sent me down the hall for x-rays. all was well there, so the doc gave me some nasal spray samples (to reduce the inflammation in my passages), a script for prescription strength tussin (woo hoo - I can sleep!), a script for a new albuterol inhaler, and a script for some antibiotics if in a few days the cough is still persisting. however, none of those things help me too much in the "right now" department, so I've been at work, coughing, for the rest of the afternoon.

but now I must go fill my scripts and get ready for dinner and bowling. then we'll probably crash watching tv... hopefully the team we're bowling is quick. if not, I'll just cough on them. sounds good, right?

blogging from home?

this is the first time in a while that I have actually blogged from home! usually I'm at work scrambling in my spare time... but I'm actually home from work today! though not for anything good... I'm sick. I've been relatively miserable lately because of a wretched cough I've had. there weren't any accompanying symptoms really (other than the occasional runny nose in the morning, which I chalked up to sleeping with the window open), so only having this hoarse, hacking cough has NOT been fun. I opted to sleep downstairs on the couch, too, so that my hacking didn't wake up das (though he may have it now anyway... too soon to tell). this morning I woke up from the couch and just couldn't stop with the coughing; I was gagging from coughing so much! then I just went upstairs and lay down while das was getting ready for work, bowserface came up and joined me, and I slept. I slept hard. I finally wasn't coughing, I wasn't tossing... it was great. it's almost like my cough "broke"... it's going away (or at least become much less frequent, and much looser), but I've got some congestion and a headache now. I'll take that over the cough any day, though. I had toyed with going to the walk-in clinic, but with this turn of events, I may just opt to hit up CVS and get some cold and cough meds to help me with the rest of the day. and then, if I feel well enough, I'll go to burger king and get some lunch (because rodeo burgers and cheesy tots make everyone feel better!). I was thinking that I may get some quilting done today (I have a quilt to start and finish before june 20), but it's way too hot upstairs to be up here for too long, and really I should probably go lay down before I keel over. :) hopefully I can lay down for a bit then head out for dinner and errands. das is hitting up hooters for trivia night, so I'll be flying solo tonight (which is totally ok because then I can watch all the HGTV and food network and truTV I want, even though I'm bummed b/c I love hooters trivia night and their wings). hopefully tomorrow will be better for me!

wha..? I have a blog..?

no seriously? I have a blog? and it needs to be updated? hm. I'll have to look into that.

it's been a while... and I'm not really too sorry about it. I needed some time away to really think about what I wanted with my quilting. I know it's a big part of my life, or I want it to be a bigger part, and I know that I would have to sacrifice some things in order to do so. I just need to figure out what can and will be put on a back burner... without my feeling badly about it.

that aside, I tried to locate my quilting bug by watching dvr'd episodes of 'simply quilts'. a few of them were really great... very informative. boy they don't give you much time... I'd be stressed out if I were a guest - alex anderson really pushes you along! then I made a trip to joann's fabrics. I had my 50% off coupon... and of course, everything that I wanted was on sale already so I didn't just frivolously spend. I did get a really neat frame, though, that will (eventually) showcase some ireland photos. we gave a few triptychs (sp?) away as gifts for christmas, but didn't keep any for ourselves... so now das has (8) 4" x 6" spaces in which to work. :) overall, it did work a little... I brought out the machine on saturday for some sewing, but then got distracted. I thought I would have all evening to myself as das was working at a home show event, but he got out a LOT earlier than expected so we had the evening to ourselves. sans quilting, however. maybe tonight... I PLAN on it. I NEED to do it. for me.

so that's all I'll include in this post for today. there's other stuff that went on during my 2-ish week hiatus... but... that's for another day. :)

ps) and I'd love to put up a signature... but it looks like crap on my darker background. ick!

I feel like a cymbalta commercial

today has been awful. just total crap. not only is it raining and just generally crappy out... I feel like ass, too. I want to be at home just curled up with das and the furboys not doing anything. I am not physically sick... just family crap that I wish didn't need to happen. I'm almost 27 and it shouldn't bother me, but it does.

regardless, yesterday went well for lunch. I made roast chicken with sage and rosemary seasoning. it was my first roast chicken (I've done turkeys and the like) and it came out awesome. very moist and totally delish. for sides I did roast asparagus with garlic and rosemary, and kasha varnishkes, a traditional jewish side of pasta with kasha. very tasty. my MIL and das's bubbe both make it. mine didn't come out too badly for never having made that before either. we had some good pinot grigio with dinner, too, and overall it was a good afternoon/evening. I just relaxed after that and read a little. I was tired and felt like I was falling asleep sitting up... so I figured trying to sew would prove a costly mistake. :/ such is life.

another day... at least it's friday

my eyes are finally starting to get less red, gross, and disgusting. however, they are outrageously dry. like, painfully dry. it's pretty dry in general here at work... but perhaps part of the problem is that you blink approximately 50% less while using the computer than you do when out living your life. and since I'm behind a computer eight hours a day monday through friday... ben stein can direct his commercials to me specifically. ugh. and dry eyes make me so tired, too. the past few days, I've just been d r a g g i n g in the morning. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am SO not a morning person. my das refuses to wake me up within a 6 foot radius of me for fear of getting some extraneous body part ripped off and thrown away or just arbitrarily stuffed somewhere. it's so linda blair really. :)

so good news on the homefront... or home search I guess I should say. das and I have found a place that we are quite excited about. it's a raised ranch on a dead end street with a hot tub. yeah, I said it. with a hot tub. it's not technically included... however, the seller's agent says he can talk them into leaving it. given the cost associated with moving it and such... it may not be worth the investment. it's only two bedrooms, so there goes my sewing room/das's office. BUT, knowing how insane he'd be knowing I'd just take over the remainder of the house with my quilting and other crafts, we've pondered the idea of converting the garage space into liveable space for my sewing room and his office. I think it really will work out for the best... we'd lose value for losing the garage, but would gain value for the increase in living space. anyway, I stopped in at the local police department this morning to request the crime census for the area. given the fact that it's in a city versus a town or village or any number of other, smaller places we could live in, we decided that it would be best to look into it. can't hurt, right? and we'd lived near the area before when we were renting out of college, and it was in a "rebuilding" stage (read: the hartford courant refused to deliver there, pizza hut refused to deliver there; in other words, if they delivered, it wasn't to us). I think it's better now, plus the city in general is really making some marked improvements: expressway expansion project, school redistricting and upgrades, plus revamping some older strip malls with more appealing stores and whatnot. overall, too, I think that, unfortunately, no matter where you end up, there's going to be crime in some form. it'd be naive to think otherwise... but maybe that's just my east coast attitude coming out. never really used to be that way (coming from maine), but CT has really jaded me. stupid CT. :)

well, it is certainly my intention to get some work done this weekend. I'm heading out to the cadillac ranch for some good ol' line dancing on saturday but other than that, the weekend is free(ish). hopefully I'll have good news to post later. :)

out of commission

so in 5 minutes... I have reapply my antibiotic ointment in my eyes. yeah. that's right. I got a staph infection in my eye, which clogged my glands, causing redness (thus dryness) and intense pains. it's disgusting, though. for about half an hour post-ointment application, I am completely useless. I can't see worth beans due to the layer of antibiotic film coating my eye. so using my glasses is pointless, too... because then I can't focus through film AND glasses. [ugh] hopefully this weekend I'll feel well enough to work on something.

oh, and not to mention... all this ice/rain we've gotten in CT hasn't been that great for the homestead. the potential for basement flooding is pretty high, which increases the possibility that our heat and hot water will need to be shut off temporarily until the water subsides (our sump pump would be helpful, but the hose that usually connects it is frozen in coil form). there are also a bunch of tree branches falling from the heavy ice and while none are going to hit our house (cross your fingers), there are some falling dangerously close to power lines connecting our house to the road... and the lines also on the road itself. [sigh] should be an interesting few days.

oh, and since the live signature is the new hot thing for the blog pages (I've noticed it on quite a few), I decided to jump off the bridge with everyone else and do it. I created a few... so if you have an opinion (the one person who reads this anyway)... let me know which one is best. I'll be changing them over the next few posts. :)